Darling
“This could take a hot minute, Officer. See, that sonovabitch Graves has been gunning for me since forever,” began Darling. “Just start from the beginning,” Officer Sheridan instructed. Darling looked thoughtfully around the blank interrogation room and explained, “Back in the fourth grade, Graves called my old man a no count cheat and a bold face liar, so I whooped his ass after school right out front for everyone to see. I guess you could say that was the start of it.” Sheridan raised his hand to pause Darling’s history lesson and clarified, “You mean to say a no-account cheat and a bald-faced liar.” Slightly annoyed by the unnecessary critique, Darling moved on. “Anyway, I kicked his ass proper and we’ve gone at it ever since. There was this one time in seventh grade, Graves…” Officer Sheridan stopped Darling again and said, “I think I get the picture, Mr. Darling. Why don’t we talk about what’s been going on lately?”
Darling took a drink from the can of RC Cola on the desk in front of him and said, “Listen, call me Darryl. Anyway, when I heard he was moving back across town to work the farm next to mine, I knew it was gonna be trouble. Me and Darlene were pissed.” Officer Sheridan cleared his throat and asked, “Your wife’s name is Darlene? You’re Darryl and Darlene Darling? That’s something.” Darryl gave a cursory nod and took another drink. Sheridan composed himself and continued. ”So, after Mr. Graves began working at the adjacent farm, you were angry. What was your first interaction with him at that time? It says here Mr. Graves began to stop by your farm to complain about your animals crossing the fence line. Is that true?” Darling was quickly agitated. “Of course, it’s true, but that’s a mute point!”
“I’m sorry, what was that?” Sheridan asked. “I don’t give a damn! It don’t matter none. I could care less,” Darling hotly clarified. Officer Sheridan spoke the words as he took note that Mr. Darling confirmed the first recent interaction with Mr. Graves already on record, but that the animals crossing the fence line was, in his opinion, a moot point and he couldn’t care less about it. “Why is that irrelevant, Mr. Darling?” Sheridan asked. Darling explained, “That kind of thing happens all the time on a farm. When the animals get out, you round ‘em up, patch the fence, and nip it in the butt.”
“The bud, I understand,” Sheridan said. “So, when would you say the situation began to escalate?” Darling thought for a minute and said, “About a few weeks ago. He came over all of a sudden all loud and grouchy, talking about how my hogs supposably went and spooked his zonkeys during their nap time. Thing is, I know they didn’t do that because my hogs are afraid of zonkeys. I told him, I said ‘Now look. You got this backwards. It’s visa versa.’” Sheridan shook his head, bewildered. “I’m not sure I’m following. Mr. Graves claims your hogs attacked his zonkeys, but you feel it was vice versa? Why would you say that?”
“Maybe to extract revenge. Like I said, Graves has been after me for years. Why would his zonkeys be any different?” Darling reasoned. “Why would the zonkeys need to exact revenge against you, if that’s something they’re even capable of?” Sheridan wondered. “Because we all got into a bit of a donnybrook at the livestock show the week before, and I bit a few of ‘em during the fracas,” Darling admitted.
Sheridan, unsure if he heard correctly, asked, “One second. Who bit who at the livestock show?” Darling tossed his empty RC Cola near the trash can next to the desk and said, “I believe you mean to say, ‘Who bit whom.’ I mean to say I bit a bunch of his zonkeys because I hate Graves and zonkeys are unnatural. I know I’m here because you think I started the fire at the Graves farm, but I ain’t sayin’ another word without my lawyer.”
Sheridan turned bright red and slowly closed his notebook as he processed his humiliation. As he tried desperately to channel his embarrassment and anger into a professional response, Darling smirked and said, “I think we’re done here.”
- Written for “Who Bit Whom”