The Graduate
“I’ve got an idea. Let’s have a match fight,” Leo suggested hopefully. “I’m listening,” Matt said, perking up as he stared into the bottom of his solo cup. “We each take one of those boxes of strike-anywhere matches over there by the stove, and we use them in an epic, boredom-destroying battle,” Leo explained. Matt smile wryly and stepped over to the keg. “That sounds just stupid enough to be fun,” he said, “but I have two questions before we begin. One, how do we decide who wins? And two, do we have to leave Amanda’s kitchen?” Leo grabbed a box of matches and answered, “If you have to ask these questions, you might as well surrender now!” Leo struck a match on the counter and threw it at Matt in one expert maneuver. Matt sprung to life, dodging the attack, and leaving the match to brown the linoleum floor as he grabbed the other box of matches and let out an exaggerated war cry.
The battle was intense, though most of the damage was inflicted on the kitchen itself. People at the party began cheering, screaming, laughing, and yelling at the two as matches flew across the room. It wasn’t long before Amanda, the unsuspecting host of the party came running into the kitchen in a panic. Unfortunately, she ran through the kitchen door and straight into a flaming match sailing through the air towards Matt. It landed surely in Amanda’s hair, which caught on fire immediately. Amanda’s rather large boyfriend quickly extinguished the flames and chased Leo and Matt out the door and halfway down the street in a rage.
As they wandered on towards their own house, Matt and Leo laughed as they caught their breath and appraised their wounds. “That could have gone better, but in a way, she should be thanking us,” Leo said. “I mean, she’ll be telling that story for years.” Matt poked his finger through a hole in his shirt. “What should we do tomorrow?” he asked. Leo kicked a newspaper lying on the sidewalk and said, “I don’t know. I might just take it easy. I’m not sure I can take another graduation party.” Matt objected, “Come on, Man! A guy I know from work is having a cookout in the afternoon. They’re renting a projection screen to watch the baseball game and there will be a ton of food and beer. Just come with me to that and see how it goes.” Leo nodded and said, “Man, you really burned my shoulder.”
As they pulled up to the party the next day, Leo got an idea. “Nobody here knows me, so whatever I say, just go along with it,” he said as he and Matt got out of the car. “Okay, but remember most of these people are from work, so try not to get me fired.” After eating some surprisingly good brisket and quickly getting bored with the baseball game, Leo began to mingle. He got creative about who he was and what his plans were for after graduation. After claiming to be everything from a fly-fishing guide to a Harvard med student, he finally came back around to Matt and his co-workers.
When Matt’s friend Colette asked what his plans were, Leo asked, “Do you know how the cooking instructions for frozen meals always leave the food either cold in the middle or dry and alien in texture?” Colette and Matt nodded, and Matt smiled just a bit. “Well, I’ve been in the process of finding a solution. I’ve found that by adjusting the cook times and introducing a combination of venting, stirring, defrosting, and rotating the dish in just the right procedure, I can microwave anything perfectly,” he continued. “That’s actually true!” Matt added. “I’ve started my own consulting firm that provides both the culinary expertise and technical writing needed to update the packaging on frozen foods and revolutionize the industry,” Leo added convincingly.
“That is so crazy!” Colette shouted. “Maybe to you,” Leo replied, “but it’s my calling.” Colette shook her head and clarified, “No, I mean it’s crazy because my girlfriend’s dad works for Stoeffer’s and she just took a job for him in the marketing department! I know she would be glad to setup a meeting. It could be good for both of you.” Leo glanced at Matt and then agreed. “I’ll have Matt give you my info on Monday, thanks! Great party, by the way.”
When Leo showed up to the Stouffer’s meeting a few weeks later, he had grown quite passionate about his idea and was desperate to close the deal. When he sat down at the conference room table with the marketing team, however, Amanda immediately stood up yelling, “No, no, no! Not this guy!” She went on to describe the graduation party at her apartment where Leo and Matt had drunkenly destroyed her kitchen and started her hair on fire. “I’m sorry for wasting everyone’s time,” she concluded. “If I would have known it was him, I never would have setup this meeting, no matter how inspired his ideas for our Turkey and Gravy.”
Leo tried to argue his case, but it was over before it started. The marketing team basically ignored him after that, consoling Amanda as she fussed with her new haircut. He made some weak apologies and retreated to his car. Sometimes it’s not what you know, but who knows you.
- Written for “Bored at Parties”